A peek inside my mind

I feel like today is the day where we hear something. That maybe he can go back to MEPS next week. I'm worried that maybe this feeling isn't the real feeling. But ever since last night, i've felt like we'll hear back today. We sent up the last paperwork (we hope) on Friday. It's Thursday, and we're still waiting.

I'm just repeating the same things over again.

Let's hope I'm right. I'll surely update if I am.

Maybe I should be doing something else.

But i'm writing this instead.
Today i'm nervous & emotional.
I've been listening to sad songs all morning, and sort of closing myself off. I feel like this is a form of resurfacing anxiety, because of that feeling I have in my chest. I'm thinking about life, thinking about everything. Thinking about Dyllon. What else is new. I don't think I could ever be a successful blogger because everything I write about consist of:

• Dyllon
• My anxious thoughts
• Fitness
• The Coast Guard

Nothing else. And that's where I am right now. I've been thinking about life without Dyllon around ever since last night, because he was at work and I went to bed alone. 

I feel like my mind is racing. Thinking about all the things I want to accomplish and then the things I don't want to do anymore. The people I want to keep in my life and then the people I want to just let drift away. My lack of drive in some areas and my intensified drive in other areas. 

This is a wave of change. When I started in 2017, I never expected such a shift in mindset.

I'm afraid but i'm ready.

Tired of hurdles.

I'm stressed. I'm also pms-ing. But I am stressed and I'm moody.

The waiting game is starting to take a toll on me. The constant wondering, the ups and downs and endless need for paperwork. I know this is what my future looks like but I'm tired already. I really don't want to know everything but I just want to know something. Dyllon has had his surgeries. We should be good but we're still not. I know this is how they do things in the military and I know this isn't special treatment to make our lives specifically difficult. But apparently there was some miswording on the paperwork and we have to get more paperwork to prove his scalp is healed from surgery. It's just one more day, but it always feels like it's just one more thing. It's not going to hold us back anymore but it's just another hurdle. I'm tired of hurdles. This isn't just paperwork, just a statement on paper. This is our life, and it feels like we are on a see saw, stuck in balance between where we are now and The Coast Guard. I know that once he's in, it won't be like this anymore. I'll have dates and I'll have even the slightest idea what we are doing. But right now, I'm frustrated. It always feels like it's "just one more thing." And it's been like this for a full year now. It doesn't feel like that long on one hand and on the other it feels like so much longer. I selfishly want this part to be over with so I can have even the smallest peek into the window of what my future looks like. I want to give days instead of putting air quotes around my time frames. I want to know that he's in. 

Maybe I'm just ready for a change in my life, which is also selfish. Whatever it is I'm ready for it. I'm really just tired of not knowing. I hope that there's some relief in this and that it's soon.

Surgery 2.

The day after surgery #2.
Yesterday was less of a stress show. Dyllon didn't need me to go with him to have his second surgery. He said that he didn't feel like it was necessary, because even last time was fine. I came home, and he was fast asleep. Seemed like he was in a little pain, and a little delirious. Maybe a sigh of relief, and tension release. This has been a stressful couple of months. So I sat with him while he rested.

I know i'm going to miss these little moments. So even though he was holding my arm at a weird angle, I let him because he's sweet. I ended up migrating over to the couch with him and falling asleep too. I kinda hope that is what happens today when I get home.

So our next step is sending the paperwork to the recruiter. Once that happens:

1. We pick a date for MEPS.
2. Dyllon goes to MEPS again.
3. Dyllon Passes MEPS.
4. He swears in.
5. He gets a ship date.

I'm not nervous right now, which really confuses me. It tends to hit me at random times, like when i'm in the bathtub? And then I cry. Not because i'm sad but just, overwhelmed. I have a co-worker who is going through something similar right now except he'll be going through it first. So maybe he can help me figure this out.

Or not. I'm sure I can figure it out myself but for now i'm just writing a hundred blog posts about how I'm confused.

But I'm thankful for this journey.

selfish. confused. excited. afraid.

I'm trying to write more when it hits me.  I would say what inspired me this time, but I can't, because my initial reason drifted away before I could find my laptop to write. Right now Dyllon is on second shift, which has given me a lot of alone time. Time to think about life, and my future. Which is all I seem to write about anymore. But that makes sense because it's all I think about, when I'm thinking, and not living the whirlwind that is my life.

Right now,in this moment. I'm thinking about how thankful I am. I knew I shouldn't have starting watching The Fault In Our Stars. Everything reminds me of how much I love Dyllon. Every little thing I think about leads back to him. Maybe that's not healthy. I feel like every moment that he isn't here with me, whether he's sleeping, or at work, or I'm at work, that I have taken my previous time with him for granted. Why didn't I kiss him more today while he was here, before he left for work? I'm trying to be more in the moment with him. I feel like I take so much for granted. I live the methodical life we've lived for the last 5 years, I hug him and kiss him when he gets home or when he leaves, and there are moments when we're fully about eachother. But why do I not focus on him more? Should I? 

The change is coming, and I know things will be different.
I keep trying to find words right now, and I can't...
A little lost.


I keep thinking about the time we went to see The Fault In Our Stars together. He didn't want to see it but he knew how bad I wanted to. We were both wrapped up in it right away. We held hands, and we cried together. Sobbed together at the end. That's a memory I won't forget, and something about him I love. He's not afraid to feel things around me. He lets me wipe his tears. He knows I won't judge him. I just hope he doesn't lose that.

I'll figure it out.

being your wife.

It feels like we're on our honeymoon again. But it's weeks and weeks long. Everything we do is about each other. Even when we argue, it never lasts because we're back about each other so quickly. Anytime you're around, I just look at you like I did the first time you kissed me. Lost in your eyes, and completely in love, from that moment until this moment. The feeling is so familiar, and comfortable. I can't look at you in anger for more than a few seconds without melting again. This is the kind of love I always dreamed of. I never stop wanting to be with you. I never get tired of kissing you. I never get sick of holding your hand. I never want to be anywhere but with you, wherever you want to go. You've shown me more life than I knew was real. You've GIVEN me more life than I knew I could have. You've taken me places and showed me what it's like to really be alive. My spirit is calm because of you. I don't stress about the troubles of life, and I don't lose sight of the big picture. I always thought my feet would be grounded where I have always been, and now I find myself dreaming of floating through life with just you. I want to stand by you as you fulfill your passions, because you fulfill mine. You've lifted me higher than you in every challenge i've faced. Whether it be focusing on my body's health, or my mental health. When I feel like i'm losing you tell me I win. When I feel like i'm ugly you go out of your way to talk about my beauty. You've helped me understand the simple beauty of life, and that we're they only ones that matter. Sometimes it feels like we're the only people in the world, even if we're surrounded. I wouldn't believe a word anyone said if someone told me that I would be with you, and completely smitten, 5 years ago. I have no fears because of you. I'm happy because of you. It's hard to even say that i'm "happy" because it doesn't seem good enough. I'm so in love with you. It feels like all of life before you didn't happen and I never felt any pain. Some people long for a love like this and i'm so thankful I have it. A love you can feel up close or from miles away. Whether we're shopping for groceries and you pull me across the isle to kiss me, or we're in bed and you wrap yourself around me and fall asleep. It feels the same. It feels perfect. I want you to know I never want to lose this feeling. Next month, in the fall, next year, in 4 years. I want to feel the same. I know it will always feel like this. Because you were made for me and life works for us. Life is going to be crazy and we're going to be tested but I can't wait to see what we can be and see how much stronger this can get. I'm just listening to you talk, hugging and kissing you, and loving you with all I am, forever.

The first surgery.

Update from my kitchen floor. Yep. That's where I am. I'm not sure why. It's just where I ended up. Jacob is playing video games in the living room and he has the overhead light on. It's bright and I don't like it. I want to be mellow. Dyllon is resting before work. So I can't be in my bedroom either. So here I am. Today was Dyllon's first surgery to remove one of the two cysts on his scalp that the Coast Guard (temporarily) disqualified him for at MEPS. I feel like we keep starting over at "step one". This doesn't feel like that though. This feels like the "first last step." His surgery went easy peasy. No problems. In and out in 30 minutes and doesn't seem to be in any pain. Didn't cost us anything but a co-pay either. Which, HOLY MOLY. I was worried about that. Seems everytime we think "we got this, we gonna be fine.." suddenly we owe someone a "necessary" thousand dollars or something.  So i'll settle for 20 bucks for a co-pay. I think I can part with that. But here we are. Another step closer. We have been abundantly blessed so far, and the easier things get, the more this feels like it's right. Like, maybe for once, we are going in the right direction in our lives. It hits me in waves. I feel a thousand emotions at once. And now I'm fine. I feel like that's how it's going to be up until the day I say goodbye to him for a while. When he's not around to run the greenway with me or go get coffee at random times. When I have no one to share pizza with, or no one to hug me when I am REALLY having a bad day. But i'm not "afraid" of that. It's a feeling i've never experienced. Forced independence? But he's living out his dreams. Taking the steps. I've got to keep telling myself that.

I take comfort in knowing that I will have his family supporting me. I guess i'm sort of trying to MAKE myself face the reality of over half a year without him. I'm having a hard time with that though because he's here. He hasn't left yet. How am I supposed to prepare myself? I may be rambling but that's okay. I'm going to have my shit together a year from now. We might be moved to a different state and I will be a pro. I'll look back at the confused stumbling mess I am today and laugh because I had it in me all along. His next surgery is May 31st. 2 weeks from today. Following that surgery he has a little over a month, until he goes back to MEPS. And though i've said it time and time again. We will know SOMETHING. Maybe. I have so many things to lean on though. One of my close friends is having a baby. I'll be running 5k's, 10k's and marathons. Maybe. My sister in law is also having a baby. I'll get to snuggle all of the littles. I can cling to the Lord, and to those close to me. Be independent for real, and learn about myself. There are many upsides. Lonliness isn't always a bad thing and I don't always need him. I always want him. Plus, he'll be following his prayers. Doing it all for us. For our future, and for his purpose. Who am I to stop him? The day we got married, I never thought this is where I would stand. But it's real. it's happening, and it's closer than ever.

One step closer to Semper Paratus.