The first surgery.

Update from my kitchen floor. Yep. That's where I am. I'm not sure why. It's just where I ended up. Jacob is playing video games in the living room and he has the overhead light on. It's bright and I don't like it. I want to be mellow. Dyllon is resting before work. So I can't be in my bedroom either. So here I am. Today was Dyllon's first surgery to remove one of the two cysts on his scalp that the Coast Guard (temporarily) disqualified him for at MEPS. I feel like we keep starting over at "step one". This doesn't feel like that though. This feels like the "first last step." His surgery went easy peasy. No problems. In and out in 30 minutes and doesn't seem to be in any pain. Didn't cost us anything but a co-pay either. Which, HOLY MOLY. I was worried about that. Seems everytime we think "we got this, we gonna be fine.." suddenly we owe someone a "necessary" thousand dollars or something.  So i'll settle for 20 bucks for a co-pay. I think I can part with that. But here we are. Another step closer. We have been abundantly blessed so far, and the easier things get, the more this feels like it's right. Like, maybe for once, we are going in the right direction in our lives. It hits me in waves. I feel a thousand emotions at once. And now I'm fine. I feel like that's how it's going to be up until the day I say goodbye to him for a while. When he's not around to run the greenway with me or go get coffee at random times. When I have no one to share pizza with, or no one to hug me when I am REALLY having a bad day. But i'm not "afraid" of that. It's a feeling i've never experienced. Forced independence? But he's living out his dreams. Taking the steps. I've got to keep telling myself that.

I take comfort in knowing that I will have his family supporting me. I guess i'm sort of trying to MAKE myself face the reality of over half a year without him. I'm having a hard time with that though because he's here. He hasn't left yet. How am I supposed to prepare myself? I may be rambling but that's okay. I'm going to have my shit together a year from now. We might be moved to a different state and I will be a pro. I'll look back at the confused stumbling mess I am today and laugh because I had it in me all along. His next surgery is May 31st. 2 weeks from today. Following that surgery he has a little over a month, until he goes back to MEPS. And though i've said it time and time again. We will know SOMETHING. Maybe. I have so many things to lean on though. One of my close friends is having a baby. I'll be running 5k's, 10k's and marathons. Maybe. My sister in law is also having a baby. I'll get to snuggle all of the littles. I can cling to the Lord, and to those close to me. Be independent for real, and learn about myself. There are many upsides. Lonliness isn't always a bad thing and I don't always need him. I always want him. Plus, he'll be following his prayers. Doing it all for us. For our future, and for his purpose. Who am I to stop him? The day we got married, I never thought this is where I would stand. But it's real. it's happening, and it's closer than ever.

One step closer to Semper Paratus. 

Saturday train of thought.

It's been a minute. Not that my mind hasn't been ticking, half way starting blog posts and them letting them draft, and formulating other posts on my commutes to work in the morning. But I haven't been able to grasp anything solid. 

But today, my mind is calm. 

It's Saturday afternoon, about 1 or so. I've settled into my corner of the couch under a blanket with my second coffee of the day. Jacob is watching his binge show on Netflix, and Dyllon has finally lay down to rest from 3rd shift last night. The room is lit up from the afternoon sun reflecting off the pale blue walls, and there are 3 yoga mats on the floor for our workouts later. 

My muscles are resting because we just finished a run at the gym, and I just took a hot shower to relieve them. So maybe my mind is relaxed enough to write. But not to relaxed because I fell asleep yesterday relaxing before writing. 

But anyways.

I guess I haven't been writing because I've been "simmering" in life. Just sort of going through the motions. But one thing I've talked about are all the crazy signs that are showing themseleves about this life changing situation we're in. While waiting for the holes in Dyllon's ears to grow together, which is the bodily equivalent of watching grass grow, i've been doing a lot of praying, thinking, and looking around. Paying extra attention to the place I am in, because who knows how long it will be before Surry County isn't my home anymore. 

Signs are showing themselves. God is putting His hands on so many aspects. Nudging me in the direction of comfort in change. From things like the cashier at the Dollar Tree, asking me if I want to dontate to Military families, seeing a man wearing a Coast Guard t-shirt on the running trail, and getting fortunes like this in my fortune cookie:

Sure there's been crying, overthinking, wondering if I can handle it. 

But there's been a lot of trust. Finding the beauty in all places of life. Learning that there are more coffee shops than Pages downtown and it's possible to find comfort and community anywhere. To be a "local" wherever your roots are planted. The world extends so much further than the borders of North Carolina. Now while it might be ideal, that we stay here in this beautiful state, and become Buxton locals. (Which though unsure, is still another "sign" in the back of my head because the spark of the Coast Guard came to be.) I think we're capable of making anywhere our home, and assurance is everywhere. 

Life isn't scary. 

Though I do have an underlying small anxiety, that I am going to get all hyped for this life adventure, and then we're going to fizzle out and settle back into our routine again. 

I have faith that isn't the case, though. Dyllon has my support, and we're building off of eachother. 

With our bodies, and health habits, and our communication and talk about this often. I think this is honestly what we both want. There's so much support surrounding us where it counts. 

The signs are everywhere and the faith is solidifying. 

"Tell me everything I need to know about the Coast Guard."

Last night was a really good night. 

I dropped Dyllon off at work at 10, only to get a call a few minutes later from him, saying that he mixed his schedule up, and he was actually off work after all. I don't have to tell a story about how the night went in every detail, but we ended up watching two movies about the Coast Guard, eating nachos, and talking about life and a future. Like a date night, only better. 

There was a lot of terminology in the two movies I didn't know, so I looked at Dyllon, and I asked him.

"Tell me everything I need to know about the Coast Guard."

& he looked at me, put his hand on my thigh, and solidified my faith in this being the right path to take, with one sentence. 

"What you need to know about the Coast Guard, is that no matter what, it will all be okay, and I'm going to take care of you."

It was one of those moments, of clarity, maybe. 

I'd been thinking all day, that the security I feel in this potential path, is God sent.

I don't feel as anxious, though I know i'll have days. I feel like maybe I belong somewhere. Where I can see myself so clearly, in this life, and thriving. My husband and I. Honestly if this falls through I will be disappointed. But i'm not giving up on it. I'm praying for it, and putting all my faith in Him to lead us the right way. 

But I have no fear and I will continue to strive toward fearlessness. 

One journey at a time.