The first surgery.

Update from my kitchen floor. Yep. That's where I am. I'm not sure why. It's just where I ended up. Jacob is playing video games in the living room and he has the overhead light on. It's bright and I don't like it. I want to be mellow. Dyllon is resting before work. So I can't be in my bedroom either. So here I am. Today was Dyllon's first surgery to remove one of the two cysts on his scalp that the Coast Guard (temporarily) disqualified him for at MEPS. I feel like we keep starting over at "step one". This doesn't feel like that though. This feels like the "first last step." His surgery went easy peasy. No problems. In and out in 30 minutes and doesn't seem to be in any pain. Didn't cost us anything but a co-pay either. Which, HOLY MOLY. I was worried about that. Seems everytime we think "we got this, we gonna be fine.." suddenly we owe someone a "necessary" thousand dollars or something.  So i'll settle for 20 bucks for a co-pay. I think I can part with that. But here we are. Another step closer. We have been abundantly blessed so far, and the easier things get, the more this feels like it's right. Like, maybe for once, we are going in the right direction in our lives. It hits me in waves. I feel a thousand emotions at once. And now I'm fine. I feel like that's how it's going to be up until the day I say goodbye to him for a while. When he's not around to run the greenway with me or go get coffee at random times. When I have no one to share pizza with, or no one to hug me when I am REALLY having a bad day. But i'm not "afraid" of that. It's a feeling i've never experienced. Forced independence? But he's living out his dreams. Taking the steps. I've got to keep telling myself that.

I take comfort in knowing that I will have his family supporting me. I guess i'm sort of trying to MAKE myself face the reality of over half a year without him. I'm having a hard time with that though because he's here. He hasn't left yet. How am I supposed to prepare myself? I may be rambling but that's okay. I'm going to have my shit together a year from now. We might be moved to a different state and I will be a pro. I'll look back at the confused stumbling mess I am today and laugh because I had it in me all along. His next surgery is May 31st. 2 weeks from today. Following that surgery he has a little over a month, until he goes back to MEPS. And though i've said it time and time again. We will know SOMETHING. Maybe. I have so many things to lean on though. One of my close friends is having a baby. I'll be running 5k's, 10k's and marathons. Maybe. My sister in law is also having a baby. I'll get to snuggle all of the littles. I can cling to the Lord, and to those close to me. Be independent for real, and learn about myself. There are many upsides. Lonliness isn't always a bad thing and I don't always need him. I always want him. Plus, he'll be following his prayers. Doing it all for us. For our future, and for his purpose. Who am I to stop him? The day we got married, I never thought this is where I would stand. But it's real. it's happening, and it's closer than ever.

One step closer to Semper Paratus.