selfish. confused. excited. afraid.

I'm trying to write more when it hits me.  I would say what inspired me this time, but I can't, because my initial reason drifted away before I could find my laptop to write. Right now Dyllon is on second shift, which has given me a lot of alone time. Time to think about life, and my future. Which is all I seem to write about anymore. But that makes sense because it's all I think about, when I'm thinking, and not living the whirlwind that is my life.

Right now,in this moment. I'm thinking about how thankful I am. I knew I shouldn't have starting watching The Fault In Our Stars. Everything reminds me of how much I love Dyllon. Every little thing I think about leads back to him. Maybe that's not healthy. I feel like every moment that he isn't here with me, whether he's sleeping, or at work, or I'm at work, that I have taken my previous time with him for granted. Why didn't I kiss him more today while he was here, before he left for work? I'm trying to be more in the moment with him. I feel like I take so much for granted. I live the methodical life we've lived for the last 5 years, I hug him and kiss him when he gets home or when he leaves, and there are moments when we're fully about eachother. But why do I not focus on him more? Should I? 

The change is coming, and I know things will be different.
I keep trying to find words right now, and I can't...
A little lost.


I keep thinking about the time we went to see The Fault In Our Stars together. He didn't want to see it but he knew how bad I wanted to. We were both wrapped up in it right away. We held hands, and we cried together. Sobbed together at the end. That's a memory I won't forget, and something about him I love. He's not afraid to feel things around me. He lets me wipe his tears. He knows I won't judge him. I just hope he doesn't lose that.

I'll figure it out.