It's 9:45 pm & I just finished the last bit of a cup of coffee.
Dyllon's napping before 3rd shift, and Jacob just drifted off to his room for the night.
Daisy has made herself comfortable beside me, letting out an audible sigh.
It's pretty quiet. The only sounds I hear are the fridge, the fan on my computer, and the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. I feel fully relaxed.
I keep bouncing from this new blog post, and facebook. Trying to find the words because I knew today I wanted to write something. I just don't know what yet.
I haven't written since Dyllon went to talk to the Coast Guard recruiter, but I don't think my thoughts have really drifted anywhere since then. Sure i'm bouncing through my daily life, work, home, sleep, repeat. But my mind is constantly on my future. What could happen, where I could be a year from now.
One thing that's kept that thought in the forefront of my mind is booking photography gigs for next year. I've stopped. Because who knows, I may not be here then. That's a real thing that could really happen. And also preparing to tell my clients there will be only one shooter at their wedding instead of two, which on one hand isn't a huge deal, but on the other hand it isn't something I was fully prepared for.
There have been a lot of ups and downs going on in my mind. I keep trying to focus on the adventure. Dyllon & I going out into the world together, somewhere new to both of us, and starting, essentially, a new life. But because I am a human being, and I am completely dependent at times, my mind keeps drifting back to him leaving. Last night he sat me down & we watched boot camp videos together. I watched them and cried a little. I am protective, and hate the thought of someone yelling at him constantly for 8 weeks straight. Not that I don't think he can handle it because I know he can.
I'm afraid it'll harden his heart.
He hugged me and told me that he would miss me so much.
That he would be counting the minutes until he can see my beautiful face again.
That he would use the thought of me to push him through to succeed.
I know it's selfish.
Like I said in the last post.
This will all be entirely, me, battling my selfish heart, to be his right hand lady.
I am trying, but my mind has so many questions. He says i'm silly but i'm not. I don't know what's in store. I don't know what will happen. We've been together 4 years and I haven't spent more than a day away from him since the day we started dating. How will I handle it all?
I don't say these questions in self obsession. I say these questions because I know he can handle his own. Can I? Without him?
I guess sometimes I don't know what i'm truly capable of until i'm put to the test.
Sure i'll get one letter back for every 17 I send him.
I won't hear his voice for weeks.
I won't feel his touch for weeks.
I won't instantly know how he's doing, or be there to make sure he's eating properly or if he's too tired.
Because he will be too tired, and he won't be eating properly. He will be too busy to miss me like i'll miss him, and he will be all I think about.
Which is why I have to keep myself busy. I got my gym membership back today. I'm booking as many small photoshoots as I possibly can. I'm clinging to my best friend for dear life.
As bad as I want to cling to my & his family, I feel like they don't get how I feel.
I don't want to cling to them... I find myself wanting to separate from them.
Him leaving is "not a big deal...he'll be back." But no one seems to get, that to me, it's a big deal.
And a few people I know, will try to discredit my missing him, with a blood bond over marital bond.
I know I'll hear all of the negative over the positive, I know I'll have someone crowding in on my letters, and crowding in on my phone calls. Which is why I want to stay away.
I've got a lot of praying to do, and a lot of loving on Dyllon to do.
My selfish heart.
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