He will have another wife, named the Coast Guard, and she's not as pretty as you.

The "questions" meeting with the Coast Guard recruiter went completely as planned and also completely.. not as planned, on Monday.

What I mean by that is:

We were given a plethora of information, regarding the basics. Reserve and active duty were mentioned equally and there was no biased in which direction you should go. There was a mention of difficulty regarding the reserve, but it was made clear it isn't impossible. 

The NOT as planned part came, when a certain rate was mentioned, that lit Dyllon's whole life up.

An active duty rate.

I can feel when he feels things sometimes. And when this rate was mentioned, his demeanor changed.

When we left, I had this sense of being overwhelmed, and (not proudly) selfishness. 

This wasn't right. 

"What will I do?" "I'll be alone." I need my family." 

I cried selfish tears, and mumbled selfish mumbling. 

Like a child who wasn't getting her way. 

But at the same time. I really, was just overwhelmed. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason.

I knew, that this rate, was it. If we decided to do this, this would be the deciding factor. 

The car ride was an hour and a half to home, and I spent an hour of it thinking. 

I asked him if he was considering active duty, and he said he was thinking about it. 

I am slowly starting to learn that this is going to be an eternal battle with my selfish heart. 

But i'm sucking it up. I've let him know that if he prays about it, and really thinks about it, whatever he decides, I will stand with him whole heartedly. I will not waver, and I will not doubt him. 

I will trust him.

and I will more so, trust HIM. My creator. 

Who has really been speaking to me in the wake of all this change. 

I have a hard time focusing on the plan. I find myself always asking God for help, but my problem is, I don't stop and listen for the answer. I'm too busy expecting (for whatever reason) instant gratification, and that's just not how He works. I am learning that and I am sure that I will continue learning that. 

But when I look at my husband, I see his serving heart. He wants to serve. And everyone has a different way to serve. I truly feel that God puts all of us on earth, with a plan for us to serve others with Him in our spirit. While I serve by capturing happy moments, and being a listener, Dyllon serves through serving others. And this rate, does that. I know he can thrive in this. That thought in my mind, is just, gah. Makes me want to cry. He's so incredible, and I want to see him succeed. 

I am his wife and I promise to watch him thrive, and carry him through. 

But I also must carry my own. 

Even though, at the moment the anxiety and fear of picking up my life and leaving everything I know, has faded, I know it isn't the last I've seen of it. I know i'll question my choices, when he leaves for boot camp, or A school, or when we're stationed somewhere new, or when he's deployed. 

I know i'll cry a lot, because I miss my old life or miss my family, or miss my best friend. 

(even though it's been made clear that no matter where I am, we'll see eachother)

But i'll learn to hold my own more than ever. I can take care of myself and this is just more of a reason to. Sure life without him around every moment will be hard, but we can both thrive.

I've always talked about how one of my ideal lifestyles is waking up in the morning and drinking my coffee while the sun comes up. Being able to take my time in the morning, talk to God, make breakfast, watch the news, read. And this, though a little thing, can be possible.

I can excel in photography. Because though I may not need to work, I will want to.

It can be my only job. 

(even though I want to convince my current job to let me work from wherever I am, you never know until you ask)

But there's so many options and opportunities for us to both really take on life together.
Yesterday, I asked him, "you're sure you don't want to just be away from me." and he laughed and said "if I wanted to be away from you, I wouldn't be willing to drag you all over the world with me."

And I really just, was reminded of how much I love him, how incredible he is and how blessed I am to have him. Regardless of what we'll do, where we'll go, or how hard it gets, I've got him always. 

And this life together is ours.