Guard the coast | I'll guard your heart

So my husband wants to join the US Coast Guard.

And I know that's something he really wants. 

Last year I when the thought first arose, in the heat of an argument, I let my selfish heart take over.

I got swept away by the idea that he wanted to be away from me. 

Again, selfishly.

And ever since that happened, when my anxiety peaked at the thought of it, his intentions disappeared. He talked about it, but less, and then not at all. 

And just like that. I think he talked himself out of it. All because of my selfish heart.

A bit of his own anxiety may have played a part, but I think a lot of it was because of how uneasy I was. I guess I may never truly know for sure why the fire went out.

But when we went to Hatteras, it was lit again. He started sparking his dreams, places he wanted to go, things he wanted to do, and a new life change. He talked about it with his brother, and the wheels started turning faster. 

My wheels started turning too though. But in a different way.
Last year I wasn't in a good place. I felt anxious and uncomfortable in my own home. 

I didn't really have any friends. Not close ones. Not friends who would understand. 

I was incredibly unstable in my mind, and my life. 

I'm different this year. 

Jacob is my other protector. Looking out for me, when Dyllon isn't around, or can't be. 

I know he won't stop if Dyllon is away chasing this fire. 

I have photography. It takes my time, it keeps me busy and it keeps me happy. 

My co-workers are like family. I don't feel awkward and I can talk to them. I know they will help me if i'm alone, or having a bad day. I'm blessed. 

I have my best friend.

Last year, I was weird, but now I have her stronger than ever. I know she'll hold me together if I fall apart in any way. 

I have myself. I'm more independent than i've ever been. I know how to be alone (sometimes) I know how to take care of myself. I have God too, to talk to whenever, I know He will carry me more than anyone. 

And I have Dyllon.

As much as I might believe this change of pace will take him away from me for good, it won't. 

I will always have him and I will stronger than ever. He isn't doing this so he can be away from me. He's doing it because he loves me. He wants to better himself and better us. He wants to serve. And I will serve him. I will lift him up. I have such a solid foundation now. I have nothing to fear.

Off to the recruiter tomorrow. Let's see how this goes.