12:59 PM.

This is real. This is real life.

He has been temporarily disqualified. Has to have a medical procedure done, to remove a bump on his scalp. Otherwise, he passed. He doesn't have to go back, just has to sign papers showing he got the bump removed. Which he will. 

It will be done, so why am I so discouraged.

He's in.

But I am. I want to cry. My face is hot. I want to yell at someone. 

Maybe it's just the stress releasing out of me. 

I don't know what it is. I haven't even told anyone because I don't want to talk about it.

This is how i'm feeling in this moment.

The waiting game of a potential Coastie Wife.

Well.

Here I am.

It's 12:00 PM.

I haven't heard back from him since 5:30 this morning. I'm having a hard time explaining my feelings. Yesterday he blew the written testing out of the water, which should come as no surprise because his brain and knowledge are abundant.

Today I am nervous. But not in lack of faith. More lack of information.

I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing. I don't know how it's going.

I don't know anything.

I know this is something I am going to have to get used to. That "out of the loop" feeling.

I was reading back on my blog posts at the beginning of this uphill battle of chasing career dreams and the selfishness coming from me, was insane. I don't feel that anymore.

He'll be gone. Yes.

I'll be alone. Yes.

We will miss eachother. We will both survive.

My thoughts are racing but I feel like i'm not thinking of anything. A million things could go wrong, but I know my God will bless us. This whole process has felt TOO right, to go wrong. Everything has played out before our eyes, and every step has worked itself out. Just as this one will. I just need to focus on things that will go right. I get to see him this evening, and we will celebrate his passing. Or we will rejoice that he will get another chance, if something didn't work for him. Either way we will praise Him.

7 minutes have gone by since I started writing this.

I've been listening to the same 3 songs over and over.

"I Have This Hope" and "It is Well"

No matter. It is well. I must continue to tell myself that because we are so highly favored in His eyes. In my anxiety I keep forgetting that. We've gotten this far. We are going to keep progressing.

I really should write here more. I feel relief. It's therapeutic. Even if it's babbling, because I can't find the words for my current feelings. At least not words that sound right to me. But i'm writing because this day, is a big step in the journey. And once he passes, this day will be one I remember.

I want to remember how I felt today, because it will be completely different than how I feel tomorrow, or even later today.

12:10 PM.

Let's see what happens.

An open letter to my namesake.

Mammie,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not one to really show a lot of emotion here recently when it comes to pain I feel. But as I see your birthdays still passing, reality has begun to set in on my heart. I guess I'm writing this because I need a release. I know if I said this to you, it would be hard for you to remember I said it. But it's okay because I know deep inside you, you know my heart. It might just be hard for you to tell me you love me sometimes.
It's been years and years but I still smell smells that remind me of staying at your house sometimes. Everytime I see fig newtons I think about digging in your cookie tins, or if I get cheddar cheese I think about you making me cheese sandwhiches. I remember everyone making fun of me because I chewed on a stick, when you told me it was a tooth brush. But you told me it was so I believed you. I remember sitting on your porch swing at night with the crickets chirping and the mosquitos nibbling on me. I remember you telling me not to touch the chains on the swing because it would pinch my fingers and also because spiders liked to build webs there. Until the swing got to old to sit on. I remember your cement steps and how you never let me sit on them because I would get hurt. I remember sleeping in bed with you under your heated blanket or hearing the chirp of your smoke detector that didn't have any batteries. I remember that you always named your dogs "Puny" and playing with puppies was apart of my childhood at your house.

You fussed at me when I watched tv all night but you let me anyway and you walked with me to the pond. I really grew up on the farm with you and it's one of the biggest and most cherished memories of my childhood. Every Friday night at Mammie's. Using your rotatry phone or you waking me up in the morning my blasting the gospel music on your crackly radio.

I'm 25 now. That was over 15 years ago. You're 85.

Life feels like its passing so quickly. Your suprise 70th birthday party felt like it was just yesterday.. But it was 15 years ago. Staying at your house the night Jacob was born, was 18 years ago.

And now, I'm having to face a reality that I really don't want to face.
You're fading. But with grace.

Gosh you're such a badass.
You've survived so much in your life and you've really thrived. You taught me the truest meaning of "whatever." And not that it means you don't care, just that it means you don't concern yourself with irrelevant crap. Not to put up with anyone pushing you around. You've taken literal bullets for people. Not many people can say that. I still want to say you're fading too fast or that I'm losing you too soon, but I'm not, and you're not. You're awesome. Your face still lights up when you see me. It's all still there. But you just can't tell me.

Is it bad that I miss you a little? I know, you're right there.
You're the same lady. But it's hard to talk to you now.
I know that you know, what I'm saying when I talk to you. But responding, is hard.

I'm trying not to have regrets as I know, that I'm an adult now, and this is life when you get older. You get wrapped up in your own world and everything slips.
I'll be truthful. I think about you all of the time but I push it away as much as possible because I'm afraid to think about you too much. I'm afraid of how much longer I'll see you. You've always been there. How am I supposed to feel? Now that the name for your struggle to speak is dementia, what am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to NOT be afraid?

You've molded me as a person. More than any of the other grandkids I'm sure of it.
I was under your feet all the time, watching your outlook, your reactions.
I talk with my hands like you do, I say "whatever." Just like mama, who says it just like you. You've impacted every aspect of my life from positive to negative, but more than anything, you've taught me strength and perseverance. You've pushed on, even when you legitimately can't speak anymore.
You always let people know that you're going to stand your ground.

And that's who I am. Jessica Louise Cavanaugh.
I carry your name with me every day, proud now. I used to be embarrassed. Not because it's your name but because it was "old fashioned." But now, I'm proud of it because it's the name of the most badass woman on the planet. And that's who I'll be in honor of you.

I guess the point of my rambling is, that I'm afraid.
Afraid of losing you, afraid of living a life where you're not always around the corner. Afraid of looking at you one day and seeing emptiness where light once was. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that life doesn't stop for anyone.  I know your soul is thriving and you're still there. You aren't gone yet but I'm afraid of you being gone.

For now, I'm living, and trying to not have regrets.
There's nothing I could have done. I've loved you and will continue to love you until your very last days. And I know you know that. I just wish more people could see you how I do.
My truest hero, and biggest inspiration.

I'll end this by thanking you, for teaching me who I am, molding my spirit and really showing me how to live life as a strong woman. You'll never know how much I love you but I've always known how much you love me.

Love,
Jessica

Changing my mind & losing 55 lbs in 8 months.

       

March 1-November 1

I guess I can start with answers to the simple, and most often asked questions:

Was it difficult to lose all the weight?
Yes. Very. Not only physically, but a raging war with my own mind, and self control on the daily.

How long until you saw results?
I felt like I was getting smaller, almost immediately. Within a couple of weeks.
Others, however, didn't start noticing until about, 5 months in. So I had been training from March, until August, before peoples started asking if I was losing weight. At that point, I had lost about 35 pounds.

What's your secret?
I don't have one. I eat healthy, and I work out. Basic. What everyone tells you to do.

But I didn't take shortcuts. Let me tell you about it.


Okay, first of all.
It did come to me, all at once. A moment of being fed up, and it happened at work.
I weighed 223 pounds. And the fact that I can even say that, is a lot, because for so long I was so ashamed of that number. One time I was in the gym with a friend, and he got on the scale, and was talking about how FAT he was, and how he had hit 200 pounds, and that was so "disgusting".

And that moment stuck with me, because at the time, I weighed 20 pounds more than that.

But anyways. I weighed 223 pounds, I was sitting at my desk at work, and I couldn't cross my legs. Meaning I couldn't cross one leg over the other sitting in my desk chair. My thighs were too big and my belly got in the way. And that was it. I was tired of it. I was tired of being out of breath from a walk, I was tired of hating what I saw when I looked at myself. I was tired of always having to wear stretch clothes because regular things didn't fit.

So I bought a workout program, I spent $40 dollars that I didn't have, and went for it. I explained to Dyllon that I felt like I really needed to try this program. That I felt like maybe it could get me motivated. The trainer was always so positive and helpful, and that's what I needed. Not someone screaming at me about how I could lose the weight. So he said ok, and I bought it on 3/1/2016.

PIIT 28 by Cassey Ho is a 28 day program where you do HIIT Pilates training for 28 minutes a day. Moves like plank jacks, quick squats, mountain climbers, and other things. You do those moves for 45 seconds, and then have 15 seconds off before you move on the the next move. There are 7 moves, and you do this for 4 rounds. Easy right? Yeah. Okay. 

Before I got into working out, I was always ready to take the easy way out of a workout. 

I would go to the gym, and if I burned 100 calories on an elliptical, that was good enough for me. I'm not saying that's not good, because getting up and moving your body, IS good, in comparison to not. But it wasn't enough for ME. I was doing just enough to get by. Always. I can guarantee there were so many entries in my search history like  "Easy Ab Workout" or "How to lose weight fast".

Let me be the first to say that though that seems to be what everyone wants. 

IT. IS. NOT. POSSIBLE.

At least by most standards. 

Most people, when seeking "quick" results, are wanting to see total body change in a few weeks. I was one of those people. It can't happen. First of all, it's not healthy. Losing 10 pounds in a week, IS NOT POSSIBLE (in most cases). Restricting your diet to 1000 calories a day, IS NOT HEALTHY. 

And I see that now. So when I started PIIT 28, I was ready to give it "just enough" effort and see my body change. What I got out of it, more than anything though, was not body change. It was change of mind. My mindset did a complete 180 in a matter of days. I created a fitness instagram, where I followed people in the PIIT 28 community, and we lifted eachother up! It was like a diary, full of people there to support you. I would write about my bad days, or my good days, and this group of people, on the same journey as me, would pop in and cheer me on, through good and bad. 

I can honestly say, that if I hadn't created that instagram, I would not be where I am.

I highly recommend it. 

The trainer for the PIIT 28, Cassey, became my favorite person and my worst enemy. 

She stays so positive, lets you know you're capable. Strong. Beautiful. Encourages you to post "sweaty selfies" and step out of your comfort zone. 

I can't thank her & PIIT 28 enough, for lighting my fire. 

I completed the 28 days, and by the end, I wasn't cheating, or taking the easy way out anymore. 

I had a new sense of confidence. I hadn't lost any weight, but my mindset had completely changed. I was ready for a new challenge. The annual "Mud Run" in my town was coming up, and though I had done it in 2015, it had taken me almost an hour to complete the 3 mile obstacle course. This was my new challenge. So my husband, brother in law, and I, started to train. We started slow, running 1 minute, and then walking for 2 minutes. One mile at a time. Slowly we changed it, from 1 minute running to 2 minutes running, and 2 minutes walking. Then 2 minutes running and 1 minute walking. It was hard. I suffered shin splints. I struggled with my asthma, and I wanted to just stop. Then one day, I had a similar moment to the moment when I was fed up with not being able to cross my legs. I looked at Dyllon and said "I am going to run a mile today without stopping." And I did. And my fire was burning brighter than ever after that. I just kept pushing. Run more, run further, for longer. Don't stop, and if you do, only for a few seconds. This changed me even more.

It was May now, and I still hadn't lost any weight. My body was changing though. That was for sure. 

I weigh the same in both of those photos.

Suddenly, I lost all fear, and I started showing my real self. Not being ashamed.

I have no shame in admitting, and I was the #1 person, for knowing my angles and using them in pictures. That's why, I think, for the longest time, people didn't notice a change. Because I was basically lying about how I looked through photos. 

Example:

 

The photo on the left was taken by my dad, on his camera. The photo on the right, was taken by my dad, on my phone. Doesn't look like the same person right? Angles my friend. Turning my body to where I look smaller. Hiding most of my body behind Dyllon. Hiding my body any way I could. I would have NEVER posted that photo on the left. Because you could see me for who I was.

Not fat. Just me.

The photo on the right, was not me. It was the only part of me that I was willing to share.

And now here I am. Posting photos like this:

Here I am world. This is me. Happy with my body or not, it's time to stop hiding.

By July, I checked my weight, and I had lost 35 pounds. My confidence was already so high, I hadn't been checking the scale. People were pointing out that I was losing weight, I was getting complements. But it didn't matter as much to me anymore. It was more mental. All of this has been about a changed mind. 

Not to mention my husband, who has loved me no matter my size. Who has gone to run with me in the cold. Who has gone to a spin class even though he didn't like it. Who has pushed me to every limit I have and who has helped me stay sane when i'm battling with my own opinion of  myself.

I'd be defeated if it was not for him.

So now that i've given a big long story about how I started and my slow progress. Let's talk about how i'm doing it now. 

It's all about balance. 

DISCLAIMER. This is how I AM doing it. It might not work for everyone, but it's working for me.

On Monday's, we eat pizza in my house. And as much of it as we want. That's the only day where we eat something that carby, fatty, and fully of just. Junk. And it's fine. One day a week. I'm still struggling with food. With not feeling guilty every time I eat any kind of junk food. That's been my whole life. Restricting myself, and then binging. It's a never ending cycle. I have this mindset that if I eat one thing bad, that suddenly i'll gain it all back, and be worse than I was before. It's getting better, but it still lingers at times.

On an average day, that isn't a Monday, i'll have a coffee at breakfast, and if i'm going to eat bread, which I rarely do, it's also at breakfast. I will have oats, or eggs, peanut butter, a wrap, some cereal with almond milk. My biggest meal of the day is always breakfast. 

Lunch I keep light. A veggie of some kind, whether it be a salad, or some roasted broccoli or brussel sprouts, maybe some meat like fish, or turkey, but most of the time, it's a salad. I try to have some sort of green every day I have lunch. Multiple is even better. Hummus. Tuna. Little things. I try not to over do it.

For dinner, is when I'll usually have my medium sized meal. Sweet potatoes, ground turkey tacos on corn tortillas or a bed of spinach, salmon, asparagus, stir fry, just to name a few. Not too restricted, but fresh enough. Fresh fruit, fresh veggies, meats, and a small amount of cheese. No bread, and no dairy milk. Almond milk is my friend. 

AND WATER.

I'm telling you, I don't want to hear "I hate the taste of water." 

Yeah. Okay, we get it. But whether you hate it or not. Your body HAS TO HAVE IT. Put some fruit in it, a cucumber, something to improve the "taste" for you, but if you DO NOT DRINK WATER, then your body will not like you. I drink over a gallon of water a day, and even if i'm the slightest bit dehydrated, at this point, my body lets me know. 

My throat gets dry, my head hurts, I feel sluggish. Drink a bottle of water, and i'm fine. 

Find a way to drink water. It will change your body. 

Workout wise. I try to do some kind of cardio 6 days, do calisthenics (push-ups, sit ups, bodyweight workouts) 3 days a week combined with cardio a week and give myself 1 rest day. 

This is not a set schedule. Some weeks I take 2 rest days. And while it's a constant battle convincing myself that it's okay, I still have that lingering thought like I do with the food. "What if I never workout again after this rest day, and I get big again, and I lose all this hard work?" I'm trying to teach myself, that if I want to take a rest day, it's not because i'm lazy. It's because I need it. I always want to work out. I'm constantly thinking about it, it's my favorite thing to do, but if i'm tired and just not feeling it, it means I don't need to go. It's a learning process. Teaching myself about my body, and learning to listen to my body.

Some days I run 3 miles, some days, I just run 1. Some days I go to a spin class. Some days I just go for a walk. But I move. No matter what I move. If I don't feel like leaving home, I go on youtube, and find a workout there, and do it a couple of times. If you want a secret, I don't  have one. I just keep moving. I work out. A lot. I eat small meals. I take a day to rest. I take a day to eat pizza. I drink water.

Another important thing. 

I take progress photos. 

If you're looking in the mirror, it might be easier to be blind to progress on a day to day basis, but if you look at photos side by side, the progress is evident. Be real. Don't suck in. Don't try to hide parts you're self conscious about. Take a photo of you, in an outfit and go back a year later and take a photo in the same outfit. Your mind will be blown. Mine still is. Little victories are so much more. 

If there's any kind of secret, it's, don't stop. When you're tired, take a rest day. Celebrate every pound lost, but don't rely on the scale for your happiness. Eat pizza sometimes. Hydrate. Get out and move.


Don't expect immediate results, just be patient and persistent, and change will come. Set small goals, but don't be disappointed if you don't reach them right away. Love yourself. Strive not toward skinnier, but stronger. Not running longer, but running faster. Not the scale, but what your see in the mirror. Know you're beautiful and try ( still a battle for me) to tell yourself daily. You don't have to run 20 miles a right away. That's the worst mistake. Start small. I started with 28 minutes of Pilates a day. Yoga. Only running a minute at a time. It has to build, or you'll fall off too easily. Don't over-do it to begin with or expect too much of yourself. I learned the hard way.

I honestly, didn't think it was possible. But it is. Believe it is.
 In late October, I hit the 55 lb mark. I instantly started thinking of new goals, how I can change more. How I can make myself even healthier.
My goals have shifted, from losing, to toning. Running a 10k maybe? New challenges. Never settling. That's the key. That's the only advice I can give.

JUST DON'T STOP. NEVER STOP.

Why I went from (fierce) baby fever, to not being ready.

Dyllon and I have been together for 4 years. Since before we were married, I was constantly asked by everyone around me when we were going to try & have babies. From my 2nd relationship, which started in 2011 on, I wanted babies. Bad. When I fell in love with Dyllon, the want, (that felt like a need) was almost... ridiculous at times. We would constantly argue because I would ask him "So when can we start trying to have a baby?" and it would always end with me crying, or being mad at him. Who was he? He was just one half of the equation how come he gets to make all the choices on when I can get pregnant. It wasn't fair to me. I would get so mad at him at times. Not to mention the pressure from my family, friends, and sometimes people who only know one of us. "When are y'all having babies??" And I would always say.

Ask Dyllon. He's the one with the penis. It's his choice.

I was bitter. He wasn't listening to me. I wanted babies "before 25" or I at least wanted to be pregnant with my first child at some point in my 24th year. He was ruining everything.

He wanted to wait until we were more stable. Until we had a house, until we worked regular hours, and so on. Every time one of those would be checked off the list, I would look to him with high hopes, only to be shot down with another reason why we aren't ready.

So I gave up for a while. Decided to divert my fire to a different passion. Head in a different direction.

I started pouring my soul into photography.
That was my 2015. Photography. I was cured of baby fever.

Not to mention a growing trust in the Lord and His guidance.

2016 is a different story.
It's September. I've been more successful than ever in photography, incredibly focused and on fire for fitness. Continuing to grow my trust in the Lord and staying grateful.

But there's been a significant change in something else as well.

My love and appreciation for Dyllon.

Maybe i've grown up in a way, but whenever I'm asked "when are you having babies?!" now... I just shake my head. Sometimes I jokingly say "Never." When in reality, i'm sure one day i'll be ready.
But READY is a different word now. Back then, ready, meant prepared in ways that could be accomplished with money. But now ready, is something different.

I'm not READY to give up what I have with Dyllon.
Dyllon and I work, full time hours, on opposite shifts.
We see eachother 3-6 hours a day on days where he's working. In that time we go to the gym, have dinner, and then I go to bed while he's napping. We cuddle for an hour or so, and he gets up and goes to work. That's our regular.
Mondays & Thursdays are his nights off. Those nights, I come home, we work out together, make dinner together, have some wine, and watch Netflix until midnight or so. Then we go to bed together. Sometimes cuddling, but most of the time more than cuddling. And that's something I look forward to because most other nights i'm in bed alone.

I'm not ready to give that up. Giggling, tipsy, makeouts, going to the gym whenever, sleeping till whenever on the weekend. Spending our money on us. Going on adventures for special days, or not special days. Just because we want to.
This Coast Guard thing. Moving all around being a possibility. Being okay with that.

I shouldn't have to give up my youthful love and heart for learning about eachother and the world, just because other people want to see what our babies might look like. Before I think I for sure felt like that. Though in my mind I thought I NEEDED a baby, that having a little one, a part of he and I combined, would complete me. But what really completes me is him. I don't need a physically combined version of us. I have us. We are connected on such deeper level now, all I want is to be with him. I have eliminated most of my friendship "baggage" and I have held on to the gems. The ones who understand my passion, for him. Why I won't go out on Monday or Thursday. Why I make sure he's okay with it when I go places with friends. (Which he always is).

I have a passion for him, and I want to continue to grow more and more passionate for him.
So at this point, I agree with him.

We're not ready.
Maybe in 3 or 4 years we might be.
My new number is 27 (maybe).

And it could be even longer than that.

But for now, i'm wrapped up in him & that's where I want to be.

4

August 23, 2012.

August 23, 2016.

Well here we are. Seems like so not much has changed. But everything has changed.

4 years ago, was the day things moved in my direction. Life got better, it was different for once. 

I know how often people say "oh I wish it was how it was." but for us, it's the same.

Sure we're in a different place, but we haven't outgrown loving eachother. We still love like we did then. That's something I cherish about it all. The fact that we can remain youthful in our spirits as the years tick past. It's only been four, we have so many years left to live. I hope it feels the same as it does now, next year and the years to come.

Happiest.

It's Monday morning.
We've all caught each other up about our weekends over coffee and now the office has gone silent except for the sound of the copier printing out inserts for our next tumbler order. It's 9:59 and i'm about to go off the radar for my 15 minute break. I chose to come here and write.

This morning I have felt wonderful. I finally got our bedroom cleaned, so when I was able to get in bed last night, I felt so comfortable. I slept incredibly well, and the last thing I wanted was to get out of bed this morning and come to work, but I did. I wasn't super mad about it though. My breakfast was already made for me because I prepped it last night, and I also have a delicious lunch prepped too. Today's cheat day, so pizza tonight, but i'll be taking a cycling class before, so I won't feel as bad.
I'm realizing that this is definitely sounding like a lame 12 year olds diary entry.

I'm kinda okay with that though.

I'm thinking about our vacation for our 3 year anniversary, i'm getting pumped for our next 2 months of photoshoots before we finish for the holidays and, as usual, i'm daydreaming about the future.

I've also been thinking about fall, which is somewhat exciting. It was 63 degrees this morning when I left the house, and it was that first woosh of excitement what came over me, that happens every year right before fall. Just like the first warm day after winter. It's always such a good happy feeling.

I guess I feel just really comfortable in my skin right now. I'm really getting into the flow of things with my workouts, and i'm a ton more motivated. My healthy eating is getting back to regulated as well, which really makes me feel good. I was laying in bed last night, just thinking about how successful I've been this year. 2016 has REALLY been my year. I've completely changed my body image and the state of my mind. I've completely killed it with my photography business. I just feel so good about the direction I'm headed.

I guess that's all I have to say about my happiness for now.

I'm glad I don't have a ton of readers because i'm annoying as heck.

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