Dyllon and I have been together for 4 years. Since before we were married, I was constantly asked by everyone around me when we were going to try & have babies. From my 2nd relationship, which started in 2011 on, I wanted babies. Bad. When I fell in love with Dyllon, the want, (that felt like a need) was almost... ridiculous at times. We would constantly argue because I would ask him "So when can we start trying to have a baby?" and it would always end with me crying, or being mad at him. Who was he? He was just one half of the equation how come he gets to make all the choices on when I can get pregnant. It wasn't fair to me. I would get so mad at him at times. Not to mention the pressure from my family, friends, and sometimes people who only know one of us. "When are y'all having babies??" And I would always say.
Ask Dyllon. He's the one with the penis. It's his choice.
I was bitter. He wasn't listening to me. I wanted babies "before 25" or I at least wanted to be pregnant with my first child at some point in my 24th year. He was ruining everything.
He wanted to wait until we were more stable. Until we had a house, until we worked regular hours, and so on. Every time one of those would be checked off the list, I would look to him with high hopes, only to be shot down with another reason why we aren't ready.
So I gave up for a while. Decided to divert my fire to a different passion. Head in a different direction.
I started pouring my soul into photography.
That was my 2015. Photography. I was cured of baby fever.
Not to mention a growing trust in the Lord and His guidance.
2016 is a different story.
It's September. I've been more successful than ever in photography, incredibly focused and on fire for fitness. Continuing to grow my trust in the Lord and staying grateful.
But there's been a significant change in something else as well.
My love and appreciation for Dyllon.
Maybe i've grown up in a way, but whenever I'm asked "when are you having babies?!" now... I just shake my head. Sometimes I jokingly say "Never." When in reality, i'm sure one day i'll be ready.
But READY is a different word now. Back then, ready, meant prepared in ways that could be accomplished with money. But now ready, is something different.
I'm not READY to give up what I have with Dyllon.
Dyllon and I work, full time hours, on opposite shifts.
We see eachother 3-6 hours a day on days where he's working. In that time we go to the gym, have dinner, and then I go to bed while he's napping. We cuddle for an hour or so, and he gets up and goes to work. That's our regular.
Mondays & Thursdays are his nights off. Those nights, I come home, we work out together, make dinner together, have some wine, and watch Netflix until midnight or so. Then we go to bed together. Sometimes cuddling, but most of the time more than cuddling. And that's something I look forward to because most other nights i'm in bed alone.
I'm not ready to give that up. Giggling, tipsy, makeouts, going to the gym whenever, sleeping till whenever on the weekend. Spending our money on us. Going on adventures for special days, or not special days. Just because we want to.
This Coast Guard thing. Moving all around being a possibility. Being okay with that.
I shouldn't have to give up my youthful love and heart for learning about eachother and the world, just because other people want to see what our babies might look like. Before I think I for sure felt like that. Though in my mind I thought I NEEDED a baby, that having a little one, a part of he and I combined, would complete me. But what really completes me is him. I don't need a physically combined version of us. I have us. We are connected on such deeper level now, all I want is to be with him. I have eliminated most of my friendship "baggage" and I have held on to the gems. The ones who understand my passion, for him. Why I won't go out on Monday or Thursday. Why I make sure he's okay with it when I go places with friends. (Which he always is).
I have a passion for him, and I want to continue to grow more and more passionate for him.
So at this point, I agree with him.
We're not ready.
Maybe in 3 or 4 years we might be.
My new number is 27 (maybe).
And it could be even longer than that.
But for now, i'm wrapped up in him & that's where I want to be.
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